Sunday, November 8, 2009

Recycled Paper or Recycled Meat?

I love the delicious irony of Green activists opposed to commercial logging planning to use tones of recycled paper at the upcoming Copenhagen Conference on Climate Change. A murdered tree is still a murdered tree whether it goes through the mill once or twice. That’s like suggesting that it is okay for an animal rights activist to eat meat so long as they eat it out of the ass end of a human being instead of the butcher. The animal is still dead. I suppose there is a significant overlap in the climate activist population and the animal rights activist population. They absorb each other’s talking points to advance their position.

But when you think about it, plants love eating fecal matter. Try going outside and dropping your morning deuce in the same corner every morning for a month and then watch the miracle of flourishing plant life unfold. Vegans are really only one degree of separation from eating fecal matter, while meat eaters allow a separate healthy organism to eat the plant and convert it into blood and meat before we feast. I don’t understand why the vegans don’t cut out the middle man and just go straight to eating shit. Plants eat carbon. We need all the "carbon eaters" alive and feasting as CO2 levels increase in nature. If PETA really wants to be in harmony with the natural world, they should stop murdering healthy carbon eating plants and just go straight to the real source of plant life, feces. Imagine how many lives you can save by going brown.

My holiday public service announcement to the activists about to descend on Denmark;



  1. Nice try Goebbels but us Greens are one step ahead of you! There are already shit barristas popping up in California harvesting and serving plenty of nourishing food from Ecuadorian shit farms. Nice try trying to label our movement as ridiculous, it didn't work! Being a shit eater is a healthy lifestyle that also promotes mental wellness. To all you Greens out there, once you go brown, you'll never be down! Next time you pinch a loaf of sweet goodness in the toilet bowl, reach down, pick it up, sprinkle some paprica, and feast on what nature intended!

    (Green Like You)

  2. Ecuador? Hey bra, you need to try some Nicaraguan terd. That is a primo lunchable!

    (Green Assassin)

  3. Seriously dude, what you need to do is rig your toilet bowl to flush with canola broth instead of water. You want to eat your shit when it is as fresh as possible. With each minute that passes, you lose precious deliciousness.

    (Marxed Crusader)

  4. I have a nice juicy steak cooking on the grill... mmmmm cows...

  5. Did you know that the word "VEGAN" is actually an original old Canadian Native word?

    It's original meaning was "Shitty Hunter".

  6. We need to mandate the installation of methane capture devices on the assholes of livestock. Human beings would be very responsible to capture their own methane and use it around the house. I know a company that is selling "ass plugs" for at home methane capture projects. The methane is then recycled into home cooking.

    (Green Warrior)

  7. Seriously though! Have you ever noticed those hand driers in public and private toilet facilities that promote themselves as green?

    Who is kidding whom? Paper is a renewable resource. The electricity in these hand driers is probably far more environmentally abusive than paper.

    I just came back from an extended road trip that reinforced the drier hypocracy. As a Conservative I am all for rational pollution control. I wish the greenskins were more rational as you indicate.

  8. I am a Scientologist and I eat shit every day.

    (Scientology Crusader)

  9. I am a Mormon and I eat tons of shit, at least the shit that Prophet Smith tells me to eat.

    (Smith Shitter)

  10. Papricka? Are you nuts? I mao down on my deuces with honey and cinamon.

    (Green to the Bone)