Sunday, November 22, 2009

Arrived Alive

I arrived safely in Salt Lake City, and have had a marvelous night with my parents. I had been concerned that Janet Napoleon had flagged Libertarians as security threats, and that I would be subjected to the "works" of security screening. I was wearing a Red Wings jersey and hat. The American border guard who questioned me looked at me and said "so you are a Red Wings fan?" I said "yes, is that a problem?" Turns out he was born in Michigan, and we had a nice chat. I did not have to submit to a body cavity search. I got to my parents house and as this is a birthday vacation there was a gift waiting for me. I unwrapped it, and it was Arguing With Idiots by Glenn Beck. I read the first chapter, and it is hilarious! I preferred CNN Beck to the more unhinged Fox News Beck, but his book is laugh out loud funny. My main man Dennis Miller is not a fan of Beck, and I remember when he was on the O'Reilly Factor once, they talked about Beck and Miller was looking over his shoulders scared. O'Reilly made a joke that they keep Beck locked up in a cage in the back until air time. I don't always agree with Beck, but sometimes he is exactly right.

I also wrote a poem on the air plane.

My ass is sitting in a plane
This safety speech it is mundane
The wheels they have started turning,
the Mexican food in my bowls its a churning

Now we are moving very fast
the point of no return has been passed
I really hope that I don't die
Where we're going, I'll touch the sky!

My survivability I have improved my chances
by disengaging my electronic devices!
The engines they are getting louder,
oops that fart smelled like clam chowder...

It is official, we are flying
Thankfully I am still breathing
The man in front of me displays intent,
on scoring with the flight attendant

I don't blame him, she's really hot
Though I suspect this is all for not
I scorched his earth with another fart
In the other direction she did dart

Now she is sitting down beside him
My spastic colon did not dissuade them!
I hope the methane my ass is producing
does not induce global warming!

The landing it was really rough
more nauseating than Hillary Duff!

Thank you, I'll be here all week! As an aside, it is unseasonably cold and there is snow on the ground. I am praying for global warming to melt the snow such that I may golf. I plead with the world to pump as much carbon into the sky as possible so that we can melt this snow. But I also love to ski, so that's what we'll do if need be.

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