Wednesday, September 23, 2009

"Talk about a hole in one!"

Golf is a game that is frustrating to learn, but once you can start making nice shots, it's worth the trouble. There is nothing like the feeling of satisfaction when you make a great shot and a hundred fold when you make the perfect shot. For example, a few weeks ago I shot a hole in one. Let me describe the experience; 8 iron from 100 yards, 10th hole. It was hot and dry, so the fairways were playing fast. I shot a 3/4 swing with an iron so that I could get a low arc and roll it up to the green. We call that a "bump and roll". I could tell when the ball was in the sky that it was going to be a good shot. It struck the earth 20 yards in front of the pin and starts heading for home. As Kevin Nealon said to Happy on the putting green in Happy Gilmore "his bags are packed, he's at the airport, just send him home."

As it rolls, I scream "GET IN THE HOLE" so loud I'm pretty sure they heard me up in the space station. It rolls into the cup, I scream "YEAH" like I am Howard Dean at the Iowa caucus. Then I proceed to start running and jumping towards the hole like I am Joe Carter running for home in the last inning of the World Series. I get about 15 steps and realize that my buddy still needs to shoot. So I stop, turn around and say, "That’s why you play the game!"

That was weeks ago, but that memory won't go away. I can be having a shitty day at work and all I need to do is recall that memory to bring a smile to my face.

Unfortunately when I am playing well, I can be somewhat of a dick. If you don't take it personally, it can be funny. Here are some of my "zingers" from this season. Feel free to use them on a golf course near you.

"You've been hugging that tree line tighter than the Vietcong!"

"I don't care if your caddy were Jacques Cousteau, you ain't finding that ball!"

"Ann Coulter thinks you hooked that too far right!"

"Hey Marco Polo, it's lost, give it up!"

"That shot sucked harder than Sarah Palin on date night!"

"If I take out my driver, I'll start spraying shots like Dick Cheney duck hunting with an oozie!"

"Down 5 strokes after 2 holes? Gordon Campbell thinks you're running a big deficit!"

"Phil Mickelson at Wingfoot thinks that was a bad club selection!"

"Len Mattice thinks you're melting down!"

"You fucked that up worse than the British Army at Sterling Bridge!"

"The Hindenberg think you blew that landing!"

I have a whole slew of Chernobyl and 3 Mile Island zingers, but I'll save those for another day...Oh, and my sand trap jokes.

"You're pounding the sand harder than the Allied forces at Normandy!"

1 comment:

  1. "Somebody call Houston, because I have a problem"

    "Houston, I'm venting a gas into space. It's gotta be the oxygen."

    You can get a lot of play on the Apollo 13 angle.